


we are flames (which pour out of earth)

by junxouji



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Character Death, Fluff and Angst, Goodbyes, M/M, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2016-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-14 02:59:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5727193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junxouji/pseuds/junxouji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every day he is given more time with Baekhyun seems like an unwarranted gift.</p>
            </blockquote>





	we are flames (which pour out of earth)

**Author's Note:**

> originally written for baekd-only — be sure to read the other birthday fics! and of course happy birthday to the beautiful and talented Kyungsoo! thank you for tlist hearing me cry about this and of course Rie senpai for listening to me spout my nonsensical ideas at ungodly hours in the morning.

For starters he absolutely hates growing older.

 

Each year passes and stretches the growing gap between them bringing to Kyungsoo’s awareness of what is inevitable: he’s just one year closer to dying. Kyungsoo, before him, had never had a reason to celebrate his birthday. For a terminal patient such things no longer hold any meaning - other than slowly nearing the end of a ride he hadn’t meant to get on. But, for his lover everything is worth celebrating so instead of celebrating a year older he instead cherishes the thought of another year well spent by Baekhyun’s side because even that is no longer promised.

 

“I told you did not have to come.” Kyungsoo says quietly adjusting the blankets around him eyes peering at the other tiredly. Baekhyun is so noisy even with his hearing failing he can tell when the other is entering the small sterile hospital room. Baekhyun gestures for him to not try and sit up but stubborn Kyungsoo tries anyway.

 

Baekhyun fluffs up his pillow so Kyungsoo can adjust leaning against it as he sits a grocery bag down next to the bedside. He moves to pull open the curtains - something Kyungsoo hates but tolerates - as he lets the beams of sunshine in the otherwise dreary room. “You told me that but you only turn twenty-three once. Even if you refuse parties I can bring you some cake and lunch right? Your mother wanted me to deliver some treats for you as well. She didn’t think you would want to see her.”

 

Kyungsoo’s eyes fall to the window instead. Twenty-three. Of course he should be thankful, he supposes: that he has made it this far already. In a way he is. He does not think he would have without Baekhyun. He wants to live out a normal lifespan for Baekhyun but he knows that it’s unrealistic by now. The cancer has spread far and rampant in his body. Instead he forces gratitude out of the bitterness.

 

“She thought right.” Kyungsoo says softly. He has a hard time accepting that his mother would rather avoid him than face the truth that Kyungsoo is going to die. How could she be so selfish to think it was hard for her?

 

Baekhyun gives him a small sad look and settles himself right next to him on the bed. Baekhyun cups his face gently as if Kyungsoo might fade into dust in his hands. His lips are soft, reassuring, and comforting against his own. Baekhyun has always been like that - both sweet and patient, endlessly so.

 

“Be easy on her Soo. She is overwhelmed with guilt and hurt.” Baekhyun murmurs always playing the great boyfriend. Kyungsoo wishes just for once his boyfriend would show something other than understanding. Rage would be nice - just to prove to Kyungsoo he isn’t the only one constantly brooding on the complete unfairness of the universe. “It’s your special day. We should go out in the gardens and have lunch.”

 

Kyungsoo nods only because Baekhyun wants to.  It takes a while for a nurse to come help Kyungsoo in his wheelchair after being changed and escorted to the restroom. Baekhyun hovers to help but Kyungsoo weakly slaps his hand reassuring that he’s still capable of maintaining his dignity.

 

Baekhyun pushes his wheelchair much to Kyungsoo’s displeasure but he doesn’t complain because Baekhyun looks happy to be able to do something for Kyungsoo even if small. Kyungsoo holds the bag of snacks Baekhyun has prepared in his lap as he gestures for where Baekhyun should take them. The nurses greet Baekhyun happily as they pass throwing comments about how Kyungsoo-ssi is so more agreeable when his hyung shows up. Most do not know they’re dating and Kyungsoo prefers it that way. It’s bad enough he’s a man but to add dying on top of the list of reasons they shouldn’t be together.

 

He likes sitting under one of the giant trees in the center of the hospital's garden. It blocks him from the sun and carries the scent of pine through the air. It’s comforting for Kyungsoo who is not allowed to leave his room alone even how aggressive his cancer is becoming. It makes him feel invalid but he’s slowly coming to terms with the fact he’s not able to do half the things he use to be able to.

 

“I brought all your favorites. I made gamjatang but I don’t think it’s as good as your mother’s.” Baekhyun said as he unwrapped a small plastic tupperware from Kyungsoo’s lap and pulled out a chopsticks. “It should be decent though.”

 

“It’s the thought that counts.” He says with a soft smile. Not to mention he has lived off hospital food which isn’t too appetising. “I haven’t eaten gamjatang since… before ….I got here.” He’s been a regular patient at the hospital for as long as he could remember but the last year he has had to call it his home.

 

Baekhyun smiles back. “Good. We can eat plenty together, right?” Despite how delicious it smells Kyungsoo’s appetite is not there. Baekhyun insists on feeding him, which he allows to curb the other’s enthusiasm, but doesn’t make it more than a few bites. There is a silence between them until Baekhyun gives him a small look that Kyungsoo interrupts as worry. He chews on his bottom lip and the younger male already knows he’s going to say something Kyungsoo doesn’t want to hear. “Kyungsoo… the doctors told me you refused a transplant. It could give you a little more time. Why wouldn’t you?”

 

Kyungsoo swallows the small bite of food and sighs. “It is my choice.” He says. “I have my reasons.” Truthfully, he sounds a lot more scared than he would like to admit. Baekhyun stares down and he knows the other’s eyes are watering. It’s why he asks Baekhyun to not come visit him - it’s needlessly torturing himself. He wouldn’t mind spending his birthday alone because they’re both very much aware it will be his last.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Baekhyun asks. “You shouldn’t have to go through these things alone. I want to be here for you.”

 

“You are here. You are always here.” Kyungsoo reminds him. From the moment the hospital allows visitors to the moment he goes to sleep Baekhyun is nearly always there. He owes Kyungsoo nothing.

 

“Despite that I know so little about what you’re enduring. All I know is you’ve tried to spare me this a million times by telling me to break up with you but I know you Kyungsoo. You’re scared, you want me to be here despite complaining, and you need to be held at times too. I want to make this easier for you.”

 

“And you have Baekhyun, you make it so easy.” But truthfully who wants to die and leave behind someone like Baekhyun? Kyungsoo doesn’t want to hurt him but it seems everyday even though the other wears a smile there is sadness etching Baekhyun’s features as if he knows that tomorrow Kyungsoo might fade from this world only remaining in memories and phantom pictures.

 

“Why won’t you get the transplant then? We could have a bit more time.” Baekhyun stresses fingers sliding through Kyungsoo’s coarse hair.

 

Kyungsoo looks down. He has to be honest. Baekhyun deserves that. “I’ve come to terms with fact I’m dying Baekhyun. A transplant might give me months at best. It won’t reverse that my heart is failing and it’s getting harder to move day by day. It might prolong my life a little when it could give another person a second chance. I cannot take that from someone who can do more with it.” Kyungsoo says quietly. “I’m going to die. Whether it be tomorrow or a few weeks from now. I’ve lived until I turned twenty-three when they told me it was over at sixteen. It’s okay, I’m okay - I want to die knowing I at least helped someone else.”

 

Baekhyun’s lip quivers and his he bumps his nose against Kyungsoo’s forehead. He remains there silent for a long moment and quietly murmurs, “I love you Kyungsoo. I always have. Since we were kids. I will always love you.”

 

“I know, Baekhyun. I know.” Kyungsoo murmurs against his hair and lets out a ugly cough before covering his mouth to no doubt catch the blood. Baekhyun pulls a handkerchief from his pocket and dabs his mouth softly with it.

 

“You’re so very brave.” Baekhyun whispers, eyes glassy, as he turns away hands folded around him to keep himself from shaking.

 

“So are you.” Kyungsoo says quietly, voice soft - strangely gentle for the normally grumpy man. His hands shake as he digs through his pocket to push in Baekhyun’s a neatly folded piece of paper. “Take me back inside, I’m tired. I just want to rest.” His eyes close - somehow knowing, that no matter what happened every moment he has ever had with Baekhyun would be the greatest of his life.

 

His breathing goes weak and he asks Baekhyun to grab him his oxygen mask. Baekhyun helps him adjust it over his mouth as he wheezes turning to his side taking Baekhyun’s hand in his own. He had used all his energy this morning to try to be energetic on his birthday so Baekhyun could at least enjoy himself.

 

But somehow he knows. Kyungsoo coughs hoarsely as he watches Baekhyun. Baekhyun nods slowly and his eyes are spilling tears. If Kyungsoo could manage it he might cry too. Instead he brings Baekhyun’s hand to his face and kisses his knuckles softly. Yes, he is just going to sleep some. He is so tired and it feels like he has been running for a long time. He thinks he deserves a break.

 

Baekhyun watches Kyungsoo close his eyes and sleep. Baekhyun dabs at his eyes but refuses to let go of Kyungsoo’s hand. He wants to be here when he wakes up. His free hand slowly unfolds the paper Kyungsoo had given him. His eyes fall on neat handwriting - tears dropping silently on the pristine white paper:

 

_Baekhyun,_

_Dying has a funny way to get a person to say the words they could not during life. I don’t want anyone to think I lost to cancer. For a while, I thought maybe I was. Being sick took a lot of things from me but it never could take the love I felt for you - that was one of the realest things pushing me forward on some of my worst days. It couldn’t take my happiness at seeing you smile or holding your hand. Somehow memories like that are able to give me some solace that perhaps life's not fair and takes things from us unjustly but it manages to give us so many more wonderful things._

_Please tell my parents to forgive themselves. I know it’s not their fault. I know they were scared as I was. I know I hurt them alot because I knew I could. I want them to know I love them and I had always been proud to be their son. Let my brother know I am the handsome Do and even in death that title will die with me. Tell him to treat Yura right or I will haunt him. I expect to be named after one of their kids._

_I always thought of my birthdays bitterly. I knew I was going to die from a young age and wasn't expected to live past my late teens. Each additional year was a gift so I could be with you just a little bit longer. You never failed to visit me in those times and you will never know exactly how much that means to me. Believe me when I say I would have rather have had you love anyone else other than a dying, destitute, and depressed man. But I will always appreciate that gift of love you bestowed upon me._

_I don’t want you to be sad. I don’t want anyone to be sad. Rather, I want you to remember all of the great times we had together and release whatever hurt in buried away in your heart. I want you to keep smiling like you do. To live your life fully and never look back at the past because life is far too fragile to regret anything. I want you to find someone who is worthy of loving you completely and I want you to not feel guilt for one day moving on._

_I want you to know that I loved you in life and love you in death. I always will. I never really believed in a god or heaven - after all, doing so would be accepting that I would choose some place over you. We both know I would have done whatever I could to stay by your side. I am finally being released from a body that had ultimately caged me in a cycle of torment and pain. I’m free of that pain and free to watch over you now. I once read 'From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them, and that is eternity.' Baekhyun, don’t ever feel like you’re alone. I will always be with you. In your memories, your heart, and that little crescent moon scar from when I accidentally hit you with a baseball on our first date._

_I love you so much. I am so grateful for such a wonderful person in my life. You made these last few painful years bearable. I am glad that I could die confidently that I knew what love was truly like._

_Yours,_

_Kyungsoo_

 

Baekhyun’s eyes raise when the thudding of Kyungsoo’s heart monitor slows. He watches as the pendulum of life slows as well - eventually, Kyungsoo’s chest doesn’t raise after he takes in a breath and the machine halts next to him with a scream to notify the nurses. But, Baekhyun pauses knowing it is what Kyungsoo wants before he buzzes in the nurses when he knows it’s been too long for his boyfriend to be brought back.

 

He had endured so much his entire life that he deserved to rest now. He swallowed the lump down his throat as he let out a weak sob. Despite knowing this had been coming it still burned nonetheless. It was the type of burn he doubted would ever go away - barbed and angrily raw at the edges, as tears collected like diamonds in his eyes.

 

“I love you too, Kyungsoo.” Baekhyun says placing a small kiss on the birthday boy’s lips, tasting his own salty tears there. He manages to smile through the tears because it’s what Kyungsoo would have wanted: his life not mourned, because he had lived a full life - rather to celebrate his life and the days they had together. “You can finally be released of your pain, your guilt, and your exhaustion now. I will see you again in another life.”

  
 

**DO KYUNGSOO - BORN  JANUARY 12TH, 1993. DIED JANUARY 12TH, 2016.**

_“TO LIVE IN THE HEART OF THOSE WE LOVE IS NOT TO DIE.”_

 

 


End file.
